


the lies that i tell myself

by thewriterofperfectdisasters



Series: Fic A Day In May [10]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Future Fic, M/M, ficadayinmay, i hope this makes sense i'm really tired as i edit this, i keep calling ian a carrot, kind of, why is this so long again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2014-05-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 18:03:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1657472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewriterofperfectdisasters/pseuds/thewriterofperfectdisasters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was a nightly routine for him by now. He would get some form of alcohol, go to his room, and tell himself lies he needed to survive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the lies that i tell myself

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from "These Are The Lies" by The Cab. (Which you should listen to.)

Ian was happy.

Ian slept soundly without someone to curl himself around, and instead had someone curling around him. He never thought about _him_ , and concentrated his efforts onto Hugo. Ian loved Hugo more than anyone he had ever known. Ian didn’t dwell on the past, and spend hours poring over those old photos when Hugo wasn’t around. He never wanted to see _him_ , again, and he certainly didn’t love him. He hated him. Ian was fine without him.

Those were the lies he told himself every night before he fell asleep, and they were what he held onto to keep from cracking.

Ian had moved to the Northside with Hugo, away from his family and friends, though he still saw them on a regular basis. Once a week, Hugo and Ian would go to the Gallagher house for dinner. Hugo would put his arm either around the back of Ian’s chair, or put his hand on Ian’s knee under the table.

The first time Ian had introduced Hugo to his family, Hugo seemed completely at ease. He kept one hand on the small of Ian’s back, and shook everyone’s hands with the other. He didn’t bat an eye at Carl’s psychopathic tendencies, or at how Liam looked nothing like his siblings. He just accepted it with a smile and moved on.

Ian could see Lip and Fiona giving him strange looks during the night, and he could tell they noticed how he flinched slightly when Hugo called him “babe” or “honey”. Fiona, especially, gave him sad glances over dinner, whereas Lip just looked at Hugo with barely masked hatred.

At one point, Hugo excused himself from the table, giving Ian a quick kiss as he stood up and left.

Lip watched him disappear up the stairs, and as soon as Hugo was out of sight, he said, ‘Ian, what the hell.’

‘What do you mean?’ Ian asked, poking at the lasagne on his plate.

‘What is that?’ Lip pointed up the stairs.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘How did you go from Mickey to _that_? He’s so nice and... affectionate.’

Ian put his fork down and glared at his brother. ‘What if I _like_ nice and affectionate guys? Not fucking dangerous criminals who won’t fucking commit?’

‘Who won’t commit?’ Hugo asked, coming back down the stairs.

‘Don’t worry.’ Ian muttered.

Hugo nodded. ‘Okay.’

Lip looked between them and raised an eyebrow. ‘Has he not told you about Mickey?’

Hugo frowned. ‘Who’s Mickey?’

Ian shook his head slightly at Lip. ‘Don’t worry.’

‘Okay, everyone finished dinner?’ Fiona interrupted. ‘Ice cream?’

‘Talk about it later?’ Hugo asked, squeezing Ian’s knee.

‘Nope.’

 

* * *

 

Ian and Hugo were lying in bed when Hugo decided to bring up the topic.

‘So who’s Mickey?’ he asked quietly.

‘We’re not talking about this.’ Ian said, shifting onto his side, facing away from Hugo.

As nice as Hugo was, one of his flaws was not being able to let things go. ‘No, I want to know. Am I going to be dumped for some other guy?’

‘Nope.’

‘Sure?’

‘What do you want me to say?’ _That I loved him more than I can ever love you? That if it wasn’t for his fear of commitment, I wouldn’t have given you a second glance?_

‘I don’t know. Just want to make sure I’m not going to lose you any time soon.’

‘Well, you won’t. Can you drop it now?’

‘Yeah, sorry, babe.’

Ian didn’t reply. He pulled the covers closer to his face and shut his eyes before repeating to himself in his head: _I am happy. I love Hugo. I don’t need Mickey. I never want to see him again. I am happy and I love Hugo. I don’t need Mickey and I never want to see him again._

He couldn’t even convince himself of it.

 

* * *

 

In some shitty apartment with his sister, Mickey was sitting on the floor of his room, leaning against the wall, with a beer in his hand.

It was a nightly routine for him by now. He would get some form of alcohol, go to his room, and tell himself lies he needed to survive.

_I don’t care about Gallagher. I don’t need him. I never needed him. I don’t love him. I don’t want him. I can do this by myself. I will be fine without him. I am fine without him. I don’t care, don’t need, don’t love, don’t want Gallagher. I am happy and good without him because I can do it by myself._

If it was a good day, Mickey would finish his drink, get off the floor, and go out to find some guy to fuck him. If it was a bad day, Mickey would get more alcohol, drink all of it, and hurl the empty bottles at the wall, smiling when the glass smashed into tiny shards.

Sometimes, Mickey would just stare blankly wondering how his life got so fucked. Yeah, it was pretty damn screwed up in the first place, but when did he let someone mark themselves over every fucking aspect of his life? When did he allow that?

Oh right. When he fell in love with a fucking redheaded shop boy then fought Heaven and Hell to keep him. When they became committed to each other, but not committed enough for that stupid carrot’s liking. Not like Mickey fucking cared anymore. Why the fuck would he care? He didn’t love that asshole.

One night over dinner, Mandy said, ‘You’re an idiot.’ They were eating dinner together – thank God Mandy’s cooking skills had progressed past eggs and sandwiches.

‘Why?’ Mickey asked, poking a potato.

‘You know why.’

‘Do I?’

‘Yes.’

Mickey continued prodding the potato, like it might attack him if he started eating it. Mickey sighed and looked up to his sister’s face. ‘What do you want me to do about it?’

‘Either get the fuck over it, or grow a pair.’

Mickey put his fork down and stood up. ‘I’m going out.’

‘Oh yeah?’

‘Yeah, so get the fuck off my case.’

‘Will you be back?’

‘Don’t know.’

‘Okay.’

Mickey went back to his room, threw on some jeans and an actual shirt, as opposed to a ripped tank, combed his hair a bit, then shoved his boots and coat on and left.

His feet carried him automatically towards his source of non-picky guys willing to fuck him. He nodded to the bouncer, went straight to the bar, and started scoping out the place for someone he might want to fuck later.

 

* * *

 

‘Hey, babe. Wanna go out tonight?’ Hugo asked, smiling hopefully up at Ian. ‘I just found out about this club, and it’s supposed to be really cool.’

‘Yeah, okay. Sure.’ Ian smiled back at Hugo. Ian knew he’d been in a shitty mood for the past few days, and he wanted to make it up to his boyfriend. His lovely boyfriend. ‘What’s it called?’

‘The club? Fairytale.’

Ian’s mood faltered slightly. ‘Oh.’

‘You know it?’ Hugo asked, twirling linguine around his fork.

‘Yeah.’ Ian nodded. ‘I used to work there.’

‘Ohhh.’ Something clicked in Hugo’s head and he hummed thoughtfully. ‘Was that the place you danced at?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Oh cool. Maybe you can get us free drinks?’ Hugo laughed.

‘Maybe.’ Ian shrugged. ‘Don’t know if I’ll know the bartenders or not.’

‘I’ll buy if you don’t.’

‘Kay. Finished dinner?’ Ian asked, standing up.

‘Yeah, thanks.’ Hugo smiled, handing Ian his plate. ‘You want to leave now?’

‘Might as well.’ Ian said. ‘Where did I leave my phone...’

 

* * *

 

‘This looks really cool.’ Hugo said as he and Ian waited in the line for the club. ‘When did you work here? Not too long ago, right?’

‘Uh... Actually, it was quite a few years ago.’ Ian mused. ‘I was 17 when I started, and 20 when I left.’

‘Oh wow, so you were here for ages.’ Hugo said, squeezing Ian’s hand as a chill ran through his body. ‘It’s freaking cold.’

‘Not in the club, it’s not.’ Ian laughed. They reached the front of the line, and Ian recognised the bouncer. ‘Leon! Hey, how are you?’

‘Ian! Sup, man?’ the burly guy asked, fist bumping Ian. ‘This the new beau, huh?’

‘Yeah, this is Hugo.’ Ian said, happily.

‘Aw yeah.’ Leon said. ‘Look after Ian, huh, Hugo?’

‘Yeah, I’m trying.’ Hugo smiled.

‘That’s good. Go on in, guys.’

‘Thanks, Leon.’ Ian said, grinning at the bouncer as they went inside.

Hugo looked up and around as they entered the club. ‘Oh wow, this place is kinda huge.’

‘Yup.’ Ian said, pulling Hugo towards the bar. He also recognised the bartender, as he and Hugo sat on a couple of the stools.

‘Ian.’ the bartender crooned. ‘Haven’t seen you here in a while.’

‘Hey, Toby.’ Ian smiled. ‘Yeah, haven’t really felt like coming around.’

Toby nodded in understanding. ‘Who’s this?’

‘I’m Hugo, Ian’s boyfriend.’ Hugo said, extending a hand over the bar.

Toby shook it and raised an eyebrow at Ian. ‘Oh yes. What can I get you both? Drinks on the house tonight.’

‘Beer for Hugo, and just the usual for me.’

‘Alcohol or no?’

Ian shook his head. ‘Not on these meds.’

Toby nodded. ‘Orange juice it is.’

Hugo looked impressed that this guy seemed to know exactly what Ian wanted. ‘How often did you used to come here?’

‘You mean after I left?’ Ian asked, taking the glass Toby handed him.

‘Yeah.’ Hugo said, sipping his beer.

‘A lot.’ Ian said, shrugging. ‘I haven’t been back since I started dating you.’

‘Huh. Wanna go dance?’ Hugo asked, jerking his head towards the floor below.

‘Sure.’ Ian said, draining his glass and giving his coat to Toby to stash under the bar. He grabbed Hugo’s hand and pulled him down the small flight of stairs towards the crowd of people writhing and grinding against each other.

Of course, that was when Ian saw Mickey on the other side of the dancefloor, staring straight at him. _Oh._ A surge of pain went through Ian. To cover it up, he grabbed Hugo and started using his old dancer moves on him, rolling his body against Hugo’s. In response, Mickey grabbed some random loner and started dancing with him.

Ian narrowed his eyes and turned to face Hugo, pulling him in for a kiss. Hugo’s eyes slid shut, and his arms wound around Ian’s waist, as Ian stared at Mickey over Hugo’s shoulder. Mickey did the same thing to his new partner.

This was possibly one of the weirdest pissing contests that they had ever gotten into. Sort of a “My horse is bigger than your horse” kind of thing, but they were only using the horses to distract each other from what was really going on.

It was denial in the extreme. _Look at me, how well I’m doing without you. I’ve moved on, and I don’t need you._

Hugo broke away and grinned at Ian, licking his lips. ‘I needa use the bathroom. Be back in a few.’ Hugo kissed Ian once more, before turning and walking towards the bathroom.

Straight away, Mickey pushed his new friend off of him, and walked towards Ian.

They met in the middle and stared at each other. It was the first time in what felt like forever since they had seen each other. Ten months. Their eyes ran over each other as they stood in the lights, all sound blocked out, except for their racing heartbeats and erratic breathing.

‘Why are you here?’ Mickey asked.

‘I’m allowed to have a social life.’ Ian said sarcastically. ‘Why’re you here? You hate going out.’

‘Gotta get my ins somehow.’ Mickey shrugged. ‘Who’s the guy?’

‘Boyfriend. Hugo. We’re very happy.’

Mickey nodded. ‘That’s good.’

‘You got anyone?’

‘Not really. You know me.’

‘Yeah.’ Ian said softly. ‘Mickey Milkovich, chronic case of not settling.’

‘Fuck off. You were the one who fucking _left_.’

‘Yeah, because I wanted to go fucking further and you _didn’t_.’ Ian shook his head and took a step back, realising that he and Mickey had been pressed right up against each other. ‘You couldn’t do it.’

‘You know why I couldn’t.’ Mickey hissed. ‘Fuck you.’

‘Woah, hey.’ Hugo said, reappearing from the left. ‘You can’t speak to my boyfriend like that, you don’t even know him.’

Mickey turned to Hugo, eyebrows raised. ‘Yeah, I fuckin’ do. He never tell you about me?’

Hugo frowned and turned to Ian. ‘Who is this?’

Ian set his jaw and said calmly, ‘This is Mickey.’

‘ _This_ is Mickey?’ Hugo asked, surprised. ‘The guy you didn’t want to talk about?’

‘Oh, that’s _real_ nice of you, Firecrotch.’ Mickey said, turning and disappearing into the crowd.

Ian turned in the opposite direction, going back up to the bar. Toby reappeared and smiled as he leaned up against the bar. ‘Another drink?’

‘No, thanks. I have to go. Give me my coat?’ Ian asked rubbing the heels of his palms into his eyes.

‘You okay, Ian?’ Toby asked cautiously, handing the coat back.

‘Fine.’ Ian said, pulling it on. ‘Mickey’s here.’

Toby nodded. ‘Got it. See you round.’

‘Yeah. Thanks for the drink.’ Ian said, half smiling and bumping into Hugo as he turned.

‘Are we going?’ Hugo asked, eyeing Ian’s coat suspiciously.

‘I am.’ Ian said. ‘You can stay if you want, but I have to go.’

‘Wait.’ Hugo said, grabbing Ian’s arm as he made a move to leave. ‘At least explain to me what the hell just happened.’

‘Mickey,’ Toby interrupted, taking over storytime. ‘was Ian’s boyfriend before you. They were together for... nearly six years, I think. Ian wanted to get married, Mick didn’t, end of relationship.’

‘Thanks for the rundown.’ Ian said, jerking out of Hugo’s grasp. ‘Now, I’m leaving.’

Hugo nodded. ‘I’ll see you at home.’

 

* * *

 

Ian called a taxi, and pulled his phone out as he was driven home. He opened a blank message, and typed into the recipient space the number he still had memorised. He knew Mickey wouldn’t have changed it. It had taken months of bargaining to get Mickey to even upgrade his phone. He wouldn’t change his number willingly.

Ian wrote three different texts before finally sending the fourth.

_i can’t do this anymore_

The reply took a few minutes, but it came, just as Ian knew it would.

 

_i don’t want to do this anymore_

_good. please mick, just fucking end this now. permanently. i don’t want this hanging over my head._

_i can’t_

_can’t or won’t?_

Ian sighed and rubbed his forehead tiredly.

 

_mick please_

_i won’t_

_why not_

_i don’t want to lose you again_

_you should’ve thought of that earlier_

_i wasn’t ready to get married and you fucking know that_

_and now?_

_now? why does now matter?_

_because i need fucking closure. you fucking owe me that._

_you want the truth, huh firecrotch?_

_yes i want the fucking truth_

Mickey had just walked back into his apartment. He ignored Mandy’s questioning about why he was home early and went straight to his room, throwing the door shut and sliding the lock across.

 

_truth is that i tell myself i don’t need, want or love you anymore. truth is i'm fucking lying to myself and to everyone else. and I’m done with it. i hate you for leaving and now i've waited too fucking long, because you have some fuckin pansy hanging off your arm._

Mickey thought that maybe Ian had decided to end their conversation there, and had given up hope of a reply when his phone went off.

 

_i hate you for letting me leave._

_not as much as i hate me._

_mick, where do we go from here?_

_do you like the dude you’re with?_

_yeah_

_do you love him?_

_i thought i did_

_do you still love me?_

_i'll never stop loving you_

_...love me enough for a second shot?_

 

* * *

 

‘Hey, Ian!’ Fiona said, cheerily calling at 7am on a Sunday morning a few weeks later.

‘What do you want, Fi.’ Ian said, yawning. ‘Do you know what time it is?’

‘Yeah, well. Thought I’d check you’re still coming around for dinner?’

‘Yeah, said I was, didn’t I?’

‘Bringing Hugo?’

‘Nope.’

‘Oh. Okay.’

‘But I am bringing someone.’ Ian said, a small smile creeping onto his face.

‘Not Hugo?’ Fiona asked, sounding a bit confused. ‘Did you break up or something?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll set a place for your friend.’

‘Boyfriend.’

‘A new boyfriend already?’

‘Something like that.’

‘Okay, we’ll see you and your _boyfriend_ at six then, yes?’

‘Yup. Bye, Fi.’ Ian said, hanging up his phone, placing it back on the nightstand.

‘Did I just get pulled along to a Gallagher family dinner.’ Ian’s bedmate mumbled, readjusting his face on the pillow.

‘Yup.’

‘Mmkay.’

 

* * *

 

Ian knocked on the front door of his old house at 6pm, sharp. The door was opened by Carl, who turned away, completely disinterested already. ‘Yeah, hi, Carl.’ Ian said, rolling his eyes, shedding his coat, and dropping it onto the couch.

‘Is that Ian?’ Fiona called from the kitchen, appearing through the doorway, spatula in hand. ‘And his –’ she stopped and tilted her head slightly. ‘Mickey?’

Ian smiled and slipped a hand around Mickey’s waist. ‘We worked through it.’

‘After ten fucking months.’ Mickey said, rolling his eyes.

‘Mickey’s here?’ Debbie asked, appearing behind Fiona and grinning. She strode forward and hugged Mickey quickly. ‘Thank you.’

‘For what?’ Mickey asked.

‘Not being Hugo.’ she said, letting him go and walking back into the kitchen.

Ian and Mickey went through to the dining room, where Lip was sitting with his girlfriend, Amanda. ‘Worked through it, huh?’ Lip asked, raising an eyebrow.

‘Yeah.’ Ian said. ‘Finally got a ring.’

‘A ring?’ Lip asked.

‘Asked him to marry me a few nights ago.’ Mickey said, a grin breaking out on his face.

‘ _Finally_.’ Debbie said, taking the spatula from Fiona as she rushed over to hug the pair.

‘Ian! The first to get married!’ Fiona said, clinging to the boys.

‘Imagine that.’ Lip said, getting up to clap them on the shoulder. ‘Why didn’t you crawl back to each other sooner?’

‘Turns out it took us this fucking long to realise how fucking miserable we are otherwise.’ Mickey said, glancing awkwardly at Fiona. ‘Can we stop with the hugging.’

‘Yeah, Fi. Only I get to hug.’ Ian said, pushing his sister lightly.

‘Of course, sorry.’ Fiona said, sniffing and going back to Debbie. ‘I’m just so happy for you.’

‘Me too.’ Ian murmured, turning to Mickey and kissing him gently.

Ian was finally back home, in more ways than one.


End file.
